And so what if I'm a bit of a nihilist?

I suppose I feel a little cheated.

So lets start with the basics: Nature vs. Nurture
I sit on the fence, I do that a lot, actually. But in this context, I mean that I believe our genes predisposition us to certain things, then our upbringing more or less builds upon the foundations laid down by our DNA.

I believe our actions, our decisions, how we behave is governed by how people have responded to our actions in the past, how our decisions have effected us, where our behaviour has previously got us, what we've been taught.

'Choice' is merely an illusion. We act, based purely on experience.


And I feel cheated, because those foundations that were laid down, that I started out with, they were fucking brilliant. They could have been the start of something great. And bricks started getting laid down, and it all looked pretty good. it was going to be fabulous.

But shit went bad.

And when you sit in the middle of a crumbling mess, a pile of rubble that's a part of you, it's hard not to blame yourself. I know, I know that it wasn't all down to me.

And I feel cheated, because I had the foundations for a fucking castle.

Well, would you look at that.

I've obviously just been walking in circles 'cause I've been here before.

I've been fine. Good, even. I mean there was the wobble with the uni app, personal statement and all that - but generally, good.

Until now. Y'know... gradually, then suddenly. I obsess at the moment. Cause I want to cut. I haven't since the beginning of August. And I just didn't. Not with a great amount odd Will power, it just sort of happened. Currently, I still don't have the will power beyond, 'will it has been five months.' Which isn't a great amount.

So I'm gloomy and mopey and sad again. Not for any particular reason. And there are a whole list of reasons why I should be, but none of then are right, none of them are the reason.

So I'm stuck again. I have no idea what to do. Nothing is broken, so how can I fix it?

15 days and counting.

Until the internal UCAS deadline.

Y'know what I have noticed recently? I get PMS real bad. See, before, I was just generally unhappy all the time. Now I'm not, so I really notice when my brain gets a little insane (I lie, it's a lot).

I need to write my personal statement for uni. Heck, I need to decide what uni and what course I want to go to. And that's what I was going to do. On Tuesday. But instead, I sat in my car for an hour outside my house. Because I can't hurt myself in my car. But then I started thinking about driving my car into the wall opposite me, and then I just ended up breaking down in to tears.

Which is unusual, I might add. I rarely cry, and that was the second time this year.

So I thought, I should just buck the fuck up, go inside and get on with it. And I wont stress any more, once it's done. Or just some of it. Anything, really. I was going inside to do something. But it didn't last long. And I just cried until I fell asleep.

But I think I know what I'm going to do now. And I think I'm going to apply to uni a little closer to my ex-home than I initially intended. Because university is either going to be great, or I'm going to have an emotional breakdown. And in preparation for the latter, I think I'd like to be around my best friend.

That's great isn't it? I'm preparing for an emotional breakdown.

Though, I have been happier lately. And when I think about it, I don't really know why I ever wasn't. Nothing has changed, it's the same old shit. I just don't feel like shit any more. I'm not constantly tired, I don't berate myself for stupid little things, I don't feel like I'm suffocating inside myself. And I don't think there ever was a reason. Not really. And the greatest irony is that the constant analysing of my entire life looking for a reason, probably contributed to the reason.

I do still worry. Every time I have a bad day. I wonder if that's it. I wonder if this will be the day that I just stay sad. I wonder if I will go through it all again. Just constant shit. Stuck.

But as I say; at the moment, I am happy.

Aha ha ha

Well, it has come to my attention that all of my most recent blogs have been about college. So here is another one (sort of).

Back in March I told my tutor that I hurt myself. And he was, and remains, the only person who I have ever actually told about it voluntarily. Which was scary. And he was really great about it, so I felt okay about him knowing. I was okay with him knowing. And he came with me to make an appointment with the college counsellor.

Well, it didn't last long. I saw the counsellor four times before giving up and resigning myself, once again, to the fact that I just suck at talking to people. Because I was brought up very much to be very strong and very independent. I am not supposed to need help from anyone, so I find it extremely difficult (bordering on impossible) to ask for help, or to admit that I may need it. This also means that in my mind self injury is a weakness as I can't cope like I should be able to and I don't want people to know that I have weaknesses. And even though I know that I shouldn't think like that, it's very, very difficult not to.

Yada, yada, yada. I am boring myself.

I took to sleeping with my arms above my head. And on the one day that I wear short sleeves to bed my cousin decides to come and wake me up in the morning to tell me that my alarm is shit. And I am too slow to wake up and pull my arms back under the covers. So he goes upstairs and announces on the way that I have been cutting myself again (they found out rather forcibly a little over a year ago and misguidedly assumed that I would just stop, and I wasn't about to tell them otherwise).

Well, that was less than fun. And an awkward conversation. A lot of conversations I would rather not have had. I have my body language. I try to physically make myself as small as possible, can't make eye contact, I look like a child being told off. And talking for an hour, I can say little more than a dozen words. All they want to know is why. And that is the one thing I do not want to say.

"It is the only thing that can occupy my attention so fully that I can ignore the crap going on in my head, push it to the back of my subconscious, where it belongs. "

"Sometimes I am so numb I feel like I want to just claw my way out of my own skin, throw myself into a wall, anything, to feel something."

And the reasons are so contradictory, they baffle me. Sometimes I want to be numb, and sometimes I do not.

But I do not feel validated for the way I feel, I don't feel like I have the right to hurt myself. I should not feel the way I do, but I still do feel it. None of my reasons are good enough. It's all just history now. I should just get over it, move on from my past. But I can't.

And this is the best part of it all. My cousin is on an adult course at my college. So she went in there to talk to my tutor. About me. And didn't feel the need to tell me anything about it. I found out over a month later, because she told my younger cousin about it. Well, cheers. Well, I wouldn't really care, but my tutor told her that I was seeing the counsellor, which I still wouldn't care that much about, but he said that he would e-mail the counsellor, and let my cousin know how I was getting on. I care about that. Quite a lot. Even though she never got back to him, the fact is he was still willing to do it. And that kind of hurts.

Meanwhile my younger cousin is pestering me trying to prise every little piece of information out of me that she can. And is convinced that the severity of my injuries is a reflection of how bad I feel.

"When was your worst cut?"

"Probably March"

"What happened in March?"

"Nothing, to my knowledge."

"You should be locked up in a psychiatric hospital. Seriously."

Well it could be worse, at the moment her new favourite thing is to tell me that I should just be anorexic and die. That really is nice to hear. So all I hear is how skinny I am, and that I'm underweight. Which I am not, as I have repeatedly said. I would have to loose 3 pounds to be classed as underweight.

I'm struggling at the moment. Really struggling not to cut my right arm as well. Really struggling not to go completely out of my mind because I can't wear short sleeves when it's so hot. And really struggling to accept the fact that I wont be able to wear short sleeves for a long time. I was never supposed to cut my arm.

Too Pretty To Be Weird and To Weird To Be Pretty

I can't help that she pisses me off. 90% of the time she is actually trying  to piss me off. Then she gets all pissed off when she succeeds.

So, I don't like people, okay? I get stressed when my social metre goes above a certain level. And once it's in the red you'd better piss off and leave me alone.

Or I will kill you.

Well, she's the one and only person that refuses to leave me alone. So, no, the world does not, in fact, revolve around her. Everything I do is not just to spite her. She is just, plain and simple, the only person who wants to spend a lot of time with me. And it really bugs me after a certain point.

I spent a lot of time alone in the past.I was out of school for three years. And, having been bullied throughout the whole of year seven, I didn't exactly have a lot of friends in that school. I guess I saw my best friend (and we've been friends for 12 years now) but for a great amount of the day, she was in school, my mum was at work, I was alone.

I just got used to it. On the plus side, I am very  patient, and I really rarely ever get bored. I mean, I can do next to nothing for hours and be perfectly contented in my own mind. On the down side, I kind of feel like I missed out on something in those years. Just, general social interaction. I dunno.

I guess when I'm around people, I can't be myself. I totally hide behind whatever mask I choose to wear. It takes a lot of energy. Eventually, I just need to retreat into myself and just not care about other people. 

I just don't like people.

What Is This?

Everything's fucked. More likely I've fucked everything.

Honestly, walking into my class an lighting the gas tap wasn't the brightest move. No, now I'm facing the possibility of being removed from my lessons. That could become minorly problematic, then given the little attention I'm paying at the moment, it probably wouldn't have too great an effect.

Then I leave everything 'til the last minute. Even when I have time I'll leave it and end up stressing and stressing. And I get so stressed and panic and en up doing everything so last minute, or late, or in the morning before my class. Just working myself up into a hysterical state for no apparent reason whatsoever.

And I cut all up my arm. Something I was never meant to do. I have never payed so much attention to the weather as I am now. It's getting warmer and I will definitely not be able to hide this forever. Long sleeves begin to look odd after the thermometer hits a certain temperature.

I'm not paying attention, I'm stressing myself out, I'm not getting the work done and I don't feel like I can. I'm cutting deeper, and I'm not being careful. I'm skipping lessons, I have no motivation and everything I've worked so hard for...

I'm just sabotaging everything.

I Don't Get Marrige

Seriously.

I don't get why people get married. I have always seen it as a religious thing, so I don't get why people who don't even believe in God want to get married.

And, yeah, yeah, there's the whole I want to show commitment thing. But, really, when so many people get divorced so easily, it's hardly even a long term commitment thing any more, is it?

Then there was the whole fight for gay marriage, well, civil partnerships. When the bible says that you should be put to death for homosexuality, why the hell would anyone who is homosexual want anything to do with that? Really?

Pffft. Marriage.