Tuesday, 27 March 2012
So lets start with the basics: Nature vs. Nurture
I sit on the fence, I do that a lot, actually. But in this context, I mean that I believe our genes predisposition us to certain things, then our upbringing more or less builds upon the foundations laid down by our DNA.
I believe our actions, our decisions, how we behave is governed by how people have responded to our actions in the past, how our decisions have effected us, where our behaviour has previously got us, what we've been taught.
'Choice' is merely an illusion. We act, based purely on experience.
And I feel cheated, because those foundations that were laid down, that I started out with, they were fucking brilliant. They could have been the start of something great. And bricks started getting laid down, and it all looked pretty good. it was going to be fabulous.
But shit went bad.
And when you sit in the middle of a crumbling mess, a pile of rubble that's a part of you, it's hard not to blame yourself. I know, I know that it wasn't all down to me.
And I feel cheated, because I had the foundations for a fucking castle.
Wednesday, 28 December 2011
I've obviously just been walking in circles 'cause I've been here before.
I've been fine. Good, even. I mean there was the wobble with the uni app, personal statement and all that - but generally, good.
Until now. Y'know... gradually, then suddenly. I obsess at the moment. Cause I want to cut. I haven't since the beginning of August. And I just didn't. Not with a great amount odd Will power, it just sort of happened. Currently, I still don't have the will power beyond, 'will it has been five months.' Which isn't a great amount.
So I'm gloomy and mopey and sad again. Not for any particular reason. And there are a whole list of reasons why I should be, but none of then are right, none of them are the reason.
So I'm stuck again. I have no idea what to do. Nothing is broken, so how can I fix it?
Thursday, 20 October 2011
Y'know what I have noticed recently? I get PMS real bad. See, before, I was just generally unhappy all the time. Now I'm not, so I really notice when my brain gets a little insane (I lie, it's a lot).
I need to write my personal statement for uni. Heck, I need to decide what uni and what course I want to go to. And that's what I was going to do. On Tuesday. But instead, I sat in my car for an hour outside my house. Because I can't hurt myself in my car. But then I started thinking about driving my car into the wall opposite me, and then I just ended up breaking down in to tears.
Which is unusual, I might add. I rarely cry, and that was the second time this year.
So I thought, I should just buck the fuck up, go inside and get on with it. And I wont stress any more, once it's done. Or just some of it. Anything, really. I was going inside to do something. But it didn't last long. And I just cried until I fell asleep.
But I think I know what I'm going to do now. And I think I'm going to apply to uni a little closer to my ex-home than I initially intended. Because university is either going to be great, or I'm going to have an emotional breakdown. And in preparation for the latter, I think I'd like to be around my best friend.
That's great isn't it? I'm preparing for an emotional breakdown.
Though, I have been happier lately. And when I think about it, I don't really know why I ever wasn't. Nothing has changed, it's the same old shit. I just don't feel like shit any more. I'm not constantly tired, I don't berate myself for stupid little things, I don't feel like I'm suffocating inside myself. And I don't think there ever was a reason. Not really. And the greatest irony is that the constant analysing of my entire life looking for a reason, probably contributed to the reason.
I do still worry. Every time I have a bad day. I wonder if that's it. I wonder if this will be the day that I just stay sad. I wonder if I will go through it all again. Just constant shit. Stuck.
But as I say; at the moment, I am happy.
Wednesday, 13 July 2011
"It is the only thing that can occupy my attention so fully that I can ignore the crap going on in my head, push it to the back of my subconscious, where it belongs. "
Thursday, 21 April 2011
So, I don't like people, okay? I get stressed when my social metre goes above a certain level. And once it's in the red you'd better piss off and leave me alone.
Saturday, 19 February 2011
Honestly, walking into my class an lighting the gas tap wasn't the brightest move. No, now I'm facing the possibility of being removed from my lessons. That could become minorly problematic, then given the little attention I'm paying at the moment, it probably wouldn't have too great an effect.
Then I leave everything 'til the last minute. Even when I have time I'll leave it and end up stressing and stressing. And I get so stressed and panic and en up doing everything so last minute, or late, or in the morning before my class. Just working myself up into a hysterical state for no apparent reason whatsoever.
And I cut all up my arm. Something I was never meant to do. I have never payed so much attention to the weather as I am now. It's getting warmer and I will definitely not be able to hide this forever. Long sleeves begin to look odd after the thermometer hits a certain temperature.
I'm not paying attention, I'm stressing myself out, I'm not getting the work done and I don't feel like I can. I'm cutting deeper, and I'm not being careful. I'm skipping lessons, I have no motivation and everything I've worked so hard for...
I'm just sabotaging everything.
Saturday, 9 October 2010
I don't get why people get married. I have always seen it as a religious thing, so I don't get why people who don't even believe in God want to get married.
And, yeah, yeah, there's the whole I want to show commitment thing. But, really, when so many people get divorced so easily, it's hardly even a long term commitment thing any more, is it?
Then there was the whole fight for gay marriage, well, civil partnerships. When the bible says that you should be put to death for homosexuality, why the hell would anyone who is homosexual want anything to do with that? Really?